Everything has suddenly caught up with me. I feel absolutely drained. I did not stop to eat or drink, to think or even to pray yesterday and fell into a coma like sleep from which I thought there may not be any waking. Even that thought did not bother me: Just so long as I slept I did not care.

It was the middle of the night when I rose to take on the day’s training and it was dusk when I finally stopped. The climb up the ladder to the Fartown watchtower almost finished me. I was on my knees eyes closed as I reached the top. Opening my eyes today was a strange awakening somehow. I felt I could look out over the world and contemplate all the people in it. The glimpse of the mountains brought a smile to my face.

When I look back on yesterday it is almost dreamlike. I remember aching limbs, seas of disgusting mud which is now caked all over me and all my equipment, together with those strange, green, revolting, staining tendrils that hang from every tree in the forest. It is only now I realise that the sweat that lay in the folds of my elbows and knees, under my arms, at the top of my thighs and under my neck in particular have rubbed red raw and the salt from my skin has only made it worse. Places where my armour has chaffed against me are open in places. My skin is blistered and painful. Then there is my arm which I must confess I am concerned about. I cannot cover it with sleeves or armour - I will have to forget my training a few days until the demon bear slashes have healed. I am going to go down to the Southern shoreline twice a day to bathe in the sea water which I have been told toughens the skin. I look at myself in this dreadful state with my armour battered and stained, covered in disgusting smelling mud and the sweat of my training and I am glad no-one can see me. I look like a Mire Hag’s ugliest grandmother, and smell like a N’rolav beast with poor hygiene. Thank the gods my dearest friend has not seen me…

But it was worth it. My Lord JKD found me in Verthedge where I had escaped to in order to finish the training the day had started, unable to face another second in that humid, rank place. When he found me, such generous enchantments he poured upon me as I have ever been blessed by except by one other enchanter long ago - our High King Deek… and I was filled with a burn that matched my painful skin. I was stunned by the speed at which I completed enough training to prove to the trainers I was ready to be shown new skill. I must dedicate this level of training to my Lord JKD, such a man and as much a father as any I was sired from.

So when the time feels right, when I am cleaner and able to move less painfully, I will go to the trainer. I know I must allow myself time to regain my strength. I believe I have done damage to my body by pushing it too far. Dear Purazon felt uneasy, he wrote, at my presence in N’rolav - I will prepare myself properly for that path now.

I feel my eyes closing again. When I awake it will be to spend some time on myself - not for vanity’s sake, but to make myself feel strong enough and well enough to train again.

I hardly have the strength to write I am so exhausted. Yet I must set down the day’s events before they fall from my mind. It was a very long day - for no-one longer than dear Purazon whose temporary residence on the beach was such a success. I left him with food and nectar at one point - I do so hope he found the time to take it. An Iron Knight needs his strength at all times.

So in the end, there were many who came and made wonderful creations on the beach. Some of the spectators were more fascinated than others. Of course we could not keep Urkki awake. I think Skyls enjoyed himself though! It was never my intention to take part in this wonderful event, just to show support for dear Purazon; yet having watched early in the day, I felt my fingers itching to get stuck into the sands. It is such a lovely, releasing thing to do. I was concerned that the pirates hanging about there might dare to disrupt the proceedings. But I had stern words with them and the presence of such as Knight Azure and Purazon, warriors like Richard and many others certainly kept them at bay. When I look back and remember the trouble I went to for those wretched cowards! Still - that is long gone and I can but give what aid I can to those they still attack.

It was amazing to see how living things grew up from the very sands under the skilled and artistic hands labouring away on the shoreline. Azure made the most beautiful Wyrm that curled upon the beach like a coiled spring of energy - I felt it could devour me in a moment! The blue colouring she concocted will, I fear, be with her for all to see for some time. Her hands were stained terribly by it and it did not wash off despite her best efforts. Then Richard’s warrior - an upright sculpture of wonderful skill. Richard’s usual medium of wood has obviously trained him well, though I thought I saw some slight nerves - particularly as he carved the sword - for fear the sands would collapse.

I missed much of what went on, though the marvellous results were there to enjoy when I returned. Dear Purazon had sculpted himself - his mire hag was wonderful and beautifully set off by the gems surrounding her. But I was almost moved to tears by his monk who sat so full of contemplation on the beach. How little I really know of him. I heard some of the story by chance. I had lugged the disgusting bucket of vile, green water all the way from the rainforests with the thought of colouring a viper head. I had agonised over what, if anything to do, and came to the conclusion that the viper head was a simple, achievable shape. There was no way I could create whole intricately carved buildings and so on - I have never tried this before and it would have been foolish. So armed with jewels for its eyes and beast thing teeth for fangs, I made my way over to the beach. I had only just got started when to my ….well horror in truth, but only for nervousness and shock at the thought of Her seeing my pathetic efforts, Richard escorted in High Queen Cordelia Herself. I forgot myself and sank to my knee to pay respects before being prodded by Skyls to get up. I have not seen her lovely face for such a long time - she was radiant as ever. And full of good humour and grace. She seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the proceedings! I am glad I had the sculpture to concentrate on - for there were many things bubbling up in the back of my mind that I urgently felt a need to say to Her. But she was engaged with all her people and time was rushing on. I was surprised at how my sculpture took shape. It looked……..really quite passable by the time I had finished it. I apologised to all assembled about the smell of the water in the bucket I used to finish off. I am glad I was right though - the smell faded almost instantly. Then a final dash of purple from the Ethucan wine Urkki had conjured from a bucket of water and it was done. I passed the rest to Her to enjoy - I hope it was not an unseemly thing to do.

Once finished, I felt somehow foolish and made my excuses and left. Dear Purazon so busy with all his contestants, The Queen so gracious with all of her subjects. She is so thoughtful too - She had not called Purazon to escort her, but Richard instead, as She knew that Purazon would be terribly busy. I felt…..unworthy to stand by Her. Certainly embarrassed by my appearance: The rainforest is a hard thing to wash away when you spend much time there.

I have gone to my rest now full of unease. Doubts spring up in my mind again. I have not spoken of Her father with Her as yet, and by the gods how would I do it now? Creeping into the back of my mind I once again feel that………. I am not worthy of Him, of Her, or my dearest one. I noticed that she does not now wear Her father’s gift to me. I wonder if that portends something.

When I see that dearest one, see those eyes in that dear face, it will calm me again I know. It is hard for I do not wish to burden them with all of my guilt. They should not have to bear anything but their own weight. And at the same time I feel I am entwined with them. I breathe the same air, my soul feeds on their dear love. It is freely offered and deep and wonderful. We have much to talk of. And much to learn of them.

Sleep. I must sleep.

Ah the gods are great and good, their wisdom knows no bound, their care over us all is unparalleled, and the lessons they teach us are sometimes hard, but always fair, and in any case, their will.

Before I went to enter the dark land of N’rolav I sat a long time in the Dundee forest meditating at the foot of the dark tree. It felt as though it wanted to be seen. It looked bigger and even darker than usual. I felt it almost reaching out to me. It was very quiet in the forest and it seemed that all was reduced to the area I sat in that was shaded by its great crown. That dearest friend offered to guide me to the grave, but I could not take their time from them - they have so much to do now: They have many needing their help as more are drawn into the land to fight for the gods and the Queen, their duties of course and their own path - for though ours lie together, I will not use them as a crutch. I want to be strong for them as well as myself.

So I stood and prepared myself. I am not sure why it took so much forethought - I have been there before and managed to slay the forest beasts, why did it feel so different now? I felt an anxiety interwoven with my determination. Or was it anticipation? Whatever it was my feet led me to the dance and I was there. I stood a while feeling my heart racing as I listened for the slightest sound. My senses felt heightened. I felt I could see more in the gloom and the sound of the blood coursing in my ears was loud. I held my blade up in front of my face briefly and then moved into the forest away from the path and the tree - the anchor back to light.

It was then it hit me. Huge paws swiping and slashing from behind a tree. Instinctively I lashed out and I wounded the demon bear sore, but not enough. It came back at me seemingly with the strength of several beasts. I could not hold it back! I confess my courage failed me. I tried to run, all to no avail. In a searing flash of pain I found myself thrown back into the wastelands and it was as though the laughter of many evil beasts echoed about my head. It was a shock. I had thought with false pride that I would be able to take these beasts on. How wrong I was. It felt as though they were waiting to bring down this woman who thought she was strong as they now.

Time and again, all through the day, the same thing. Teeth and claws biting and snatching and eating into my sore flesh. The humiliation of being almost instantly dispatched back to the life monuments. Then came the point I sat down and admitted defeat. I look at that moment with shame. I feel I have let everyone down. The Fartown trainer, myself, that dearest friend, my guildmates, everyone. The guild were kind enough to me - I am glad that dear Purazon was not there to see it.

Dear Sorynn was a comfort and guided me to the new place I shall haunt - perhaps for a while - before I try N’rolav again. For there, hidden in the mountain passes between two cliffs, I have discovered the most extraordinary and indeed dangerous place. But it is still in the light of the land and not forsaken by the gods as is N’rolav. I would not say I found the fighting there easy, but it is manageable. And it is such an extraordinary place. Strange creatures that shelter in the dank, damp air. Plants such as I have never seen. At first glance some seem to be simple and from a distance quite pretty. However the air is thick and hurts to breathe, and strange vines and creepers seem to suck away the air you would breathe for themselves leaving a soon to become painful cough. There is some comfort though! I confess I was not expecting the creeping moss that covers the ground and rainforest floor to be a challenge - but it seeps over you until you realise you cannot of your own volition free yourself! If it can be conquered though, imagine my delight at finding the remains are in the form of the means to make that wonderful tea that Richard is so fond of. Even in that hot, sweaty, smelly place, I smiled a warm smile and made the time to brew and drink it, though I was very wary all the while. It almost felt as though Richard sat there with me. I imagined him polishing his armour and lecturing me on choosing a different weapon. After I drank it, I felt most refreshed and lifted my pack with a lighter heart. Many long, long miles I explored and fought my way through the forest. I know I have barely discovered a tiny portion of it. The creatures there are dangerous, the mud demons disgusting. I feel every inch of my body is covered in filth and my nostrils are assailed by a vile smell that I am sure is emanating as much from me as the surroundings. For the first time I am glad that dearest one is not here! I do not look or smell at my best! My legs are almost shaking from tiredness after being sucked down into the mud making every step an agony of effort. My armour and weapons are in a terrible state and I feel utterly exhausted, but after the disaster of N’rolav, I feel I have found a fruitful direction!

I have found a relatively safe clearing to make my camp. I fear no dreams tonight for my mind is too tired to be bothered by them! Tomorrow will be a new dawn. It may not be as pleasant a place to wake as some, but I am looking forward to it!

Peaceful rest. Strangely peaceful. The last time I remember such a feeling on waking was when I awoke under the gaze of Cory himself, or so it seemed, at the fountain in the gardens of Iscax. That was a beautiful feeling: To wake with one’s gods and one’s love and in such a place as that.

Today my eyes seem to open onto a new world. It may hold many dangers, and it may hold me precariously as something to break and destroy. Yet it is the next stage in the destiny of my life and I embrace it wholeheartedly. I have visited the trainer and been granted the skills to take me to my 40th level. I can hardly believe it has finally happened. When I first entered the land I saw so many great adventurers with legendary names. I was blessed with such guidance and help. I know it has taken a long time, but I feel I have come some way to repaying their investment of time in me at long last.

My dearest friend asked me last evening, just before I went to the trainer, whether I was ready to take my training to N’rolav. I almost felt a physical chill at the name. Although I have of late entered that dread place, it has been with terrified timid steps. I know that this will not now be so. I must face that place; face it with courage and firm steps. And I know that I can do so, for I do not walk alone. As they stood there before me I felt I could read their mind. They know I must, yet I do not believe, in their heart, they want me to go. They see pain and danger coming to me and my heart was filled with the longing love of knowing there is someone who cares this much. A shadow of concern rested on their brow and yet they smiled as I took their hand and we went to the trainer together. I had waited so long for that moment that I was more than ready and that great man was pleased, I think, to pass on his skill. Another witnessed the moment to and had just received training himself. I had not seen Fir Bolg for some time, and though he needed to leave straightway afterwards, I was glad to have seen him.

When it was done I looked down at myself and felt different. It truly does feel as if there is now a split in this path that I walk and I can choose which way to go. In truth, my mind is already made up on this matter. The safe way cannot be mine. My dearest one knows this and has trod that way before. I thought I caught a strange look in their eyes. Not unpleasant or worrying, but contemplative and as if they were weighing something up.

They have offered to guide me back to the place I have not set eyes on since I was a very young adventurer; only in N’rolav by the grace of friends who guided me there to gain my blessings. Still I can remember how I wept when I saw the grave. Still I can remember the confused joy when next I saw that great warrior very much alive back in Valorn.

So I wake: Stronger, (perhaps not wiser) trusting in my gods and my love to stay with me on this new path. I wake with the knowledge I can, or so that dearest one has told me, face almost anything that resides in Valorn. I wake certain of my path and trusting in my future. I wake as a woman deeply in love with her gods, her life, her family, and her love.

I feel I have left behind the girl altogether now. I am grown in spirit as well as body. There is a long way to go; the end of the path will not be seen for many a long year. But I take the first step as a woman renewed and ready to face whatever the gods see fit to throw at me, safe in the knowledge that I still have someone who will be beside me in that place the gods have forsaken.

Well it seems that all is peaceful. Topaz has returned - I know it will not be for long, but I am given hope because she has. It means she may again. Sorynn seems well - at least she says she is well. That remains to be seen. Dear Skyls is, not exactly troubled, but muddling through! Bless his good nature and generosity as a friend and a help to those that are new to the lands. Dear Purazon is busily planning yet another event for all to enjoy. I slept well..... no dreams. I wrote a long letter to a dear friend and felt at peace. I left the forest and went into the mountains. I slept beneath the stars and breathed clean air and snuggled under my cloak felt at one with myself and my gods.

Perhaps a new day will bring answers to some of the rumours I hear. The gods have been among us - for that we should all be thankful.

“I open my eyes and all is peaceful and still. I feel arms about me though there is no-one there. Rather like the tales of an old farmer from my homeland who used to say he could still feel his arm below his elbow though it was no longer there for the feeling. It is a lovely cocooning feeling to stand and walk slowly while still having strong arms to protect and comfort you. It is warm here too. Though the light is gloomy, Sunrifter must surely be throwing his glory upon the land high above the leafy canopy. There are dappled pools of light to be seen here and there as the trees are slightly thinner. Looking back over my shoulder the gloom deepens and even Sunrifter cannot break through. Not fowl nor beast disturbs the peaceful slumber of the forest.

I move on towards the light that grows with every step I take South. I hug my arms over my chest to enfold the memory of those that held me. I can feel them as if they were surely there. I close my eyes a moment feeling blissfully safe and loved.

I hardly notice that the trees have all but petered out here. Sunrifter is revealed in all his splendour and I tilt my face up to receive his blessing with joy. I stand still with my eyes closed hearing the soft sighs of the grasslands, faint here, but their song growing louder and more hypnotic. I lay down my weapons and armour and walk on as if in a dream with my hands outstretched to feel the grass slip through my hands. It bends and sways to receive me and then gently closes up again swallowing me whole into its abundance.

I have lost all sense of where I am, yet it is not a frightening feeling. It is as though drifting on a calm sea. Warmth and peace and light. The soothing sounds just helping to make it feel the more comforting.

I am overwhelmed with drowsiness and thankfully lay down on the ground on my back, the obliging grasses parting and bending beneath me to make a soft cushiony bed. A gentle smile takes over my face and my eyes close gratefully.

That wonderful feeling of their dear arms comes to me again, much stronger this time. I feel their hands close gently over my upper arms almost holding me safe and sound where I lay. I make to shift my position slightly and find I cannot move. I feel my lips move. ‘I am safe dear, you do not need to hold so tight’.

Then I feel the hands clutch hard against my skin, my robes offering no protection. I feel myself bruising like overripe fruit. The arms that held me gently are crushing against me. Something is wrong - I try to open my eyes but remain in darkness. I realise then that my eyes are open - it is the land that is in darkness. Now I can feel other hands…. surely for my arms are still pinned and I can feel my ankles being gripped as in a vice. I can feel arms snaking over my legs and pulling me down!

But down into where?! I lay upon the ground - it is solid - yet no - it is not! I feel my mouth covered and cannot utter a sound. My eyes stare wide open in terror but see nothing. I feel the very land itself seeping over me. It is icily cold. Fingers - I hope - even in this madness I still hope they are fingers - dig into my flesh all over now. I cannot know how many hands. Hands are wound in my hair yanking my head back painfully as if they mean to rip it from my head, or pull my head from my body.
My chest compresses, I feel the air being expelled from my body. I am no longer breathing and yet I am surely alive for I am still feeling this hell.

Suddenly I know - I know where I am…. I thrust an arm up through the land - it protrudes and hangs in the evil air along with so many others. I cannot move - I am surely dead. And truly dead not to be reformed by my gods. I am under the command of another now. Nothing can help me - my soul is lost.

I hear voices far away. Trying to find me. I feel steps through the land on top of me: The heavy steps of a warrior’s boots. I can feel the vibrations moving through the earth. I hear a dear voice, muted, above me: Speaking of loss and despair. It moves away and comes back as if its owner is scouring the land. Every so often my numbed mind hears the sound of battle. My mind is shutting down. It is ready to die with my soul.

Just as I am about to pass I feel a small sensation. Not much, but it is a gentle pressure: Only on the fingertips of the arm above the ground. I am imaging it.

I let the arm go limp and yet it is still help erect by something. I can hear strange sounds. Suddenly I feel the panic of the dirt upon my face, in my nostrils, falling into my mouth. I will surely choke! I begin to move frantically trying to wriggle until I have some sort of freedom of movement from this cold grave. I feel my hand being moved this way and that as though someone is holding it while trying to do something with the other hand. I find I can move slightly more easily - the weight is lifting from my chest! I try and sit but it is too much and I lay where I am exhausted and frightened wondering what this new evil might be with no strength left to fight it whatever it is.

The pressure grows less and less and I am sure I feel something almost digging against me. A hand frantically brushing away the land that lies on me. I am sure now I can feel my hand being held above the ground. Firmly, but not painfully. It is a hand, for I can feel the fingers on that hand intertwining with my own. The suggestion of a voice grows clearer as the hand that has released me slips under my neck and gently lifts my head. I feel clods of dirt falling from my hair and skin. My hand is released. Those gentle fingers now gently brush my mouth and nose and ears free of the dirt. I try to open my eyes. That dear voice commands me not to. They do not want me to see whatever is here. I obey.

My breath comes to me drawing raggedly into my body in shallow gasps. They take my hand again more firmly and I feel soft lips touch my fingers. I feel the fingers tracing mine and my ring of hope. ‘I have found you’. A strong arm is slipped under my shoulders and another under my waist. I am gently pulled from the earth like a flower. I am laid on the ground briefly and I can feel that I lie upon bodies or parts of bodies that are all about me.

‘Do not open your eyes’. I shake my head slightly and keep them closed. I am lifted easily into strong gentle arms. My body rolls slightly towards the armoured chest. My eyes flutter open briefly and I close them against the shine of polished metal. My face feels good resting against the cold metal. A hand strokes my hair and I hear gentle words murmured as I feel myself borne away. I drift into an uneasy sleep.”

And when I awoke from this nightmare, all I could think of was those souls that I saw. Sorynn going to that place has brought it all back to me.

May the gods save us all.

So here I am in a strange sort of twilight zone that I have not been in before. More than ready for the trainer, but waiting for that perfect moment to go to him! The time in Verthedge is fruitful though - it seems that fear of the place must have an affect on the traders. Certainly in Branishor the prices are incredible. I was amazed at how much the remains of the Vultures and thistles fetched! I will spend some time now collecting vulture claws to pass on to others. I am not feeling so uncomfortable about having some coin in my purse as I usually do. I have purchased a large supply of potions for I have uneasiness about what the future will hold with my training now. I do not know how isolated and dangerous places may be. I know things will be tougher - but that is as it should be. The gods will need to see whether I have the courage and conviction to carry on and grow further. Well, I can say firmly here and now I do. To have come so far has tested me to my limits, but I am ready, willing and even eager for more. And there is more than just myself to consider. I have someone else I want to do this for. I gladly walk with their footsteps. The more I train the closer I feel to them. The more useful I can feel to them.

In this limbo I can also watch more closely over others. I hope I have not neglected them of late. As I went to my rest I saw dear Sorynn. We passed in the mountain pass: I on my way to Branishor and she into Verthedge. She has surpassed my training now and is already into her 40th level of training. Later I received a message. It was brief and horror struck and I knew what she must have seen. I called and begged to her not to stay. All I know is that Despy answered my call for her aid. I am frightened for her, for the image of that place is too dreadful and will not be cleansed easily from her mind.

And where there is darkness, there must also be light. I exchanged messages with dear Islander. How long it seems since I saw his dear face and heard his voice. Together with dear Purazon he was one of the first of my friends in these lands. Ever will I call him brother. And then just as I was going to rest, a brief sight of dear Purazon himself. I hope and pray that he went to Sorynn too. Surely with family such as this around her she will be well….

The forest looks more familiar to me now. It is just darker than before, that is all. I am being cautious - very cautious. I do not wish to fall to these creatures. They are full of darkness as are the trees and I do not wish to become as they.

It is a strange thing, but I find myself feeling pity for them, these cursed beasts. They are tortured and twisted, possessed by great evil and working for great evil. They are so much more threatening than their counterparts in Valorn, in the light. I never thought like this before, but it is true - Valorn is full of light. It is bathed in the light of the gods and while the creatures of the forests and mountains are dangerous, they are not as evil as those in N’rolav. That place the gods have forsaken. It is desolate and I fear that if lost there, I would not return. I have not forgotten that grave… Each creature there I have killed feels like a mercy killing. Perhaps in death there will be some release for them…

Between my time spent there and in Verthedge my training has gone well. I will soon be ready to visit the trainer again and I hope that dearest one will be with me when I do. This will feel a special moment if the gods grant the grace for it to happen. To go and join the ranks of those who have forty levels of training will be momentous. This time in Verthedge has also been most fruitful - I have slain another brown guardian and been rewarded with a glowing crystal. Golden in hue, its ancient facets were sublime. I have stowed it carefully in the bank. I am unsure of its use, but I hope soon to spend time talking with my dearest friend on this and other subjects. I grow anxious in a strange way as I am unsure what my path might hold in store. Talking with those who have trod this way before will help I am certain.

I have been blessed to see dear Purazon before I slept. As ever he is travelling determined on his path - the sand sculpting contest sounds truly marvellous, an inspired idea! How delightful the beach will look - I pray the pirates will not disturb the proceedings. I think too that the ticket booth will welcome the change to the landscape! I hope dear Purazon remembers to rest - he has unbounded energy to be sure, but sometimes forgets to look after himself, so generous is he with others. What with that and the upcoming anniversary of our dear guild, he has much on his mind!

So having been healed by Urkki - and I was truly delighted to see him again - I settle to a peaceful rest.

I do not know what drove me there. My dreams were dark again last night. I saw only pain and despair and seas of lost souls. Then I once again got to thinking of the tomb in N'rolav. I have not set foot there for many years. Dreadful are my memories of that place and I had all but banished them from my mind. Yet on waking today I was drawn there as if in a dream. Drawn to the tree and my feet almost unbid made the dance.

So I was there. I could not remember the path - it is so very long ago I walked it. Then some madness took me and I strayed from the path into the forest.

I am wounded and bleeding. I have gashes that will take some time to heal properly.

But I have killed the first of the demon beasts in that land. Two demon bears lie where they fell. I would not take the meat from such foul creatures - let the carrion do what they will with them.
The second as it fell ripped my flesh and put me into the hands of my gods. By their grace I am renewed.

Yet I know I shall return. There in the darkness perhaps there are answers.

What an exhausting but so inspiring day! Yet again I realise how blessed I am with my beloved Guild family.

I managed to swallow my fears and singing to keep other thoughts from my mind re-entered Verthedge. I could not bring myself to go upon those paths deep in the forest to the East that lead to that other place. I did not even try. I pray to my gods for courage and they bless me in my fight - but I am not ready to see such horror again. Not yet. And to the East, it is too close to that other place to stop the memory screaming into the front of my mind.

My rapier bit into many vile creatures in the forest. I think it is the vultures I loathe most. Fighting them is so hard - I hate to feel their wings flapping about my face and neck and to feel so out of control. Their claws snatch at my hair and face and weapon and I cannot see clearly to fight them. Things on the ground now seem so much ‘easier’ to slay. At least they are on the same level - even if they are gigantic in Verthedge! Then it happened!

Suddenly, right in front of me stood a Brown Guardian! Terrible to behold and mocking me as an unworthy opponent who could stand no chance against it. I had never seen one before, only heard the tales. I was rooted to the spot a brief moment. Then I recalled where that dearest one is spending their days in training and I drew courage from it. They have told me how dangerous it is there - and yet they fight on. And they told me they would soon again be able to go to the trainer. I long to go with them again. I looked at my Holy Ring and felt the gods touch me with courage and blinded the Guardian with its glorious light. Again and again I had to retreat to catch my breath and time and again I used my ring to weaken it! The fight was long and hard. I was close to exhaustion at the end and yet I did not stop until it lay there before me. A dull crystal perhaps but to me in that moment one of the most beautiful things I ever saw! I took it up and placed it in my clothing close to my heart so that I could pass it to the dearest one who inspired me.

Then surely I was doubly blessed, because I received a message from them and was able to pass it to them straight away. They have indeed achieved their goal and were preparing to go to the trainer - yet now they say they will wait until I may accompany them to watch. I know I cannot gain enough training to enjoy that wonderful bond of training together, but none the less to see them go forward makes me feel so proud and feel such an outpouring of love. I told them they must not wait. They have told me wondrous tales of what they have seen - tombs, strange regal folk from history set in stone…. I know they long to return and see what else they can find. And I long to hear their tales. Yet the generous, loving, selfless, dearest one said no. They would wait. They called themselves patient. Oh gods how much more I would add to that…

After they had left, I was moving, as my dear guildmates suggested, to the grasslands to try my luck with training there. In truth the gloom, the creatures and the memories of that other place were beginning to way heavily on my spirits and I was glad to move to the open grasslands. I was joined there by dear Savilla and Hsan who had just visited the trainer himself. How generous and unselfish they are! Savilla came to show me good spots where the creatures do not seem to hunt in packs. Their arrogance will surely be their downfall! And Hsan came to hand me a most wonderful broadsword, A Holy broadsword, which he no longer uses. I told him this was simply too generous, but he would hear of nothing more than agreeing to negotiate later if the weapon suits me, or of my handing it back when I had done with it. I still cannot decide what to do - my beloved rapier that was worked on by the weapon artist is so dear to me and has been with me so long it feel like an extension of my own arm. And indeed it was blessed by the Queen herself! Yet, I cannot progress unless my armour and equipment progress with it! Aye - how I wish the gods would appear before me and tell me what to do! I know I will either keep my beloved rapier safe in a vault - which seems wasteful - or perhaps keep it to assist adventurers who might be able to use it and then have them hand it back so I can do the same again…. One thing is certain; it will be a big decision. I will consult with dear Purazon on this matter.

So armed with a broadsword - a very different weapon from my rapier and I am clumsy with it at present - Savilla and I plunged into the grasslands! It was not a great success - for even in places of relative safety the creatures came in numbers as had we and it was not long before I sat at the life monument! Yet I was not downhearted - rather uplifted. Uplifted by generosity, faith and love. What more could I ask?

When I train again it shall be with vigour!

I cannot shake the horror of that place. My dreams were draining. There was no soothing voice, no arms to hold me, no feeling of peace. Just clutching arms, twisted faces and pain. The stench of gloating evil. I must not dwell on it.

Dear Skyls enjoyed his trip to Ethucan - how well I remember the same feelings he described on seeing those places. And it was nice to meet with him in Fartown. It is always quiet there and there is an edge of peace and quiet in the swishing in the grasslands. I am grateful for his help and his friendship. We have known each other a long time.

When I left to journey back to Dundee I got to thinking on that. It has been so long now that I have been in the land - so many years. Nearly 15 years. Barely an adult to fully grown. I pondered on all that has happened to me in my life here. Funny how the land I came from made merely a shell and this land has filled it and made me what I am. I do not think much about it, but I think I am not a bad person. I have my faults as do all. I am impetuous at times. I do not think decisions through or put enough thought into what I say and commit to paper. I do not dedicate myself enough to training and helping others sometimes. I allow myself moments of doubt and forget that I am here but by the grace of our gods, and that this fact alone should make me rejoice every day. But I try to be someone the gods can allow to grow. Someone who will always be loyal to their Queen. Someone to not bring disgrace upon my dear guild family. Someone friends and new adventurers can rely on to always be there for when they need help. Someone that a dearest friend can be happy to walk alongside for the rest of our days. And who knows how long that might be.

Finally in Dundee I felt the horror melt away a little in the presence of that dearest friend. I confess I felt such pride and admiration - as always they left me to go where help was most needed. I have still not passed on the gift - it will keep. I passed on the poem I wrote inspired by them and Sunrifter - the words were for them - I could not allow dear Knight Azure to persuade me to put them into a contest. They were too personal and not at all skilled! But I hope they felt the warmth behind them when they read it.

Never, never have I seen such a dark and dreadful place. Never the portent of a darker and more dreadful one as the only reward for crossing it. I found myself deep within Verthedge. It was deeper than I have ever been and then I stumbled on a small path North. Being curious I followed it thinking to find another grove of inconceivable life. But there was inconceivable death. Inconceivable horror. Inconceivable evil.

Thousand upon thousand cursed graves, each holding a cursed soul. They cannot even lie quietly in the ground. They are heaped: No dignity in their death. Limbs protruding from the ground. Twisted agony of souls desperately calling in silent voices from under their demon curse. I felt their presence strike me like a force. A hammer blow. To not be able to do anything. Anything at all for these poor, lost, evil-soaked creatures once men like us. And to lie not only under demon filth, but in the shadow of a huge fortress. The occupant must gloat out over his ‘garden’.

Every step I tried to make towards them brought pain and anguish and humiliation as I retreated time and again from the Horrors that were there. Finally I could bear it no more and used my holy ring of light and in an instant felt screaming pain and agony.

By the grace of my gods I reformed and the beauty of the life monument was too much for my scarred eyes to bear. However much I shut my eyes tight, the image of what I had seen would not go. It lay in my head clouding all I saw.

Topaz found me there, sitting rocking too and fro. She calmed me by her soothing silence and nodding as she understands too well what is there. When I had recovered she went to avenge my ‘death’. It may be the last thing I saw her go to do before she leaves again to rejoin Wyf. He has written to her urging her return. Of course he has: How could he bear to be parted from her.

Oh my gods - I pray you to keep watch over that dreadful place and I pray for the day those souls will be saved from their dreadful prison. And I pray for you to watch over Topaz as she journeys back to join Wyf. Keep her safe - she is precious.

I went to rest. My sleep was deep, but swirling with dreams. I wish I could remember more..

‘The stars are a brilliant collection of jewels hanging in the midnight sky. It is unearthly quiet. A pin would drop and the sound would echo for an eternity round the sentinel peaks watching down upon the world below. The snow lies as a soft mantle of finest cloth, caressing every nook and cranny of the landscape.

Mist forms as my breath leaves my body and floats gently across the darkness: A visible sign that I am still alive.

Far below I can see the hazy sparkle of soft light showing me that Branishor does not sleep; that in the temple lips are still being moved in prayer even at this marc.

An occasional soft sigh moves around my head as the wind travels over the mountains looking in vain for a place to rest. My skin shivers to feel it for the air is cold.

Then it comes: I hear a rustle magnified, it seems, a thousand times as it shatters the silence. I pull myself behind a rock, rudely awakened from my solace and suddenly alert. The colour drains from my face - it is there again. It may be higher on this ledge, but it is the same creature: Cold steel eyes, hot breath steaming from its body and its mouth. Its weapon is held easily in its arm and it moves forwards painfully slowly, almost smelling the air. I hold my breath. It has blocked the narrow path and stands in triumph knowing it is so. Only a matter of time then.

The hermit’s hut is all in darkness and will be no help here.

I feel panic rising in me as I hide here, cowardly, in my hidden place. It knows. It smells fear. I almost sense it in its huge form. It steps forward again more purposeful.

Suddenly I leap up and stand before it, my holy ring held high! I let it issue forth great light! It leaps into the sky and banishes the darkness!

My eyes are blind from the sudden light. I feel light headed. My feet do not feel the ground, yet my limbs feel as lead. I let my head fall back.

The light has faded. My eyes grow accustomed to the dark and find themselves held in the deep dark pools of another’s.

Arms are about me. Strong and safe as a baby’s cradle.

‘I told you I would carry you’ I hear that dearest voice say. I lay my head against their shoulder and close my eyes again.’

The dream is moving on.

Ah training is hard work to be sure. But when you wear new armour, have a fire in your soul and love in your heart, and love for your gods, it is not burdensome!

Finally I am wearing the armour that Topaz gave to me so long ago. And Richard was right! It makes more than a small difference to wear the best armour you can! I had not realised how much I had struggled unnecessarily. And yet, I suppose, it was not unnecessarily. For it was by necessity. I find it so hard financially to manage and yet, such wonderful friends as I have, I find a lack of good grace when it comes to accepting help. I came from a wealthy family indeed once and I abhor what that wealth seemed to make them into. Superior and ever greedy: As I must surely have been once for I was a part of them. Perhaps I am still in other ways - but I do not think so. I know if I held out my hand and asked, and in some cases even when I do not ask, help would be poured upon me. But I cannot do it. It would feel wrong. As if I had not earned the thing or somehow would not appreciate the value of it. I see different emotions on the faces of those who accept blessings and healing, or those new adventurers who either ask for help or receive the meagre things I can pass on to them in the way of armour and weapons to aid their training. Some stammer grateful thanks and would not dare to ask for help themselves, some demand, some ask humbly and only very occasionally, some seek you out as soon as you wake and ask outright, some are even angered in some way if you cannot bestow all that they ask because of tiredness or lack of the means. Are any of those things more or less irritating than refusing the aid of a dear friend? I do not know. I hope not - for to offend friends would be truly horrifying. I must hope that they know me well enough to know it is just my way. In any case, I hope soon to have the gift I have spent a long, long time achieving the means to procure it, and I am truly grateful for the great gift of friendship that makes that procurement possible.

So protected by this great gift of banded mail, I have made my way back to the dreadful forest, full of wonder anew now that I am able to take a little time to look about me properly. Many things make me feel small - when I am in the company of someone great, when I see the generosity of that dearest friend going about their day, when I stand in the Branishor Temple, when I hear such marvellous words as those said at the Sunrifter festival, and yes indeed, when I move among the colossal plants and see these great birds - so large it would seem impossible that they could fly - and gaze up in wonder at the cathedral like roof of the tree canopy.

And yet, it seems the mighty can fall! For as I am better protected, I find I can with only a small amount of difficulty finally hunt the animals that move in packs in Verthedge. I will fight long. I am but a quarter of the way towards being allowed to train again, but oh how I yearn for it. The memory of my last visit to the trainer is so sweet and warm, so beautiful in my mind. It cannot be the same this time I do not think, but it will bring me a step close to new places.

What a joy it was to see so much excitement, such a buzz of activity, and most of all, so many dear, dear friends involved in the opening of the Summer Festival. Surely Sunrifter in his regal golden robes must be smiling down upon it all. I pray it meets with the gods delight and approval for I have not seen such goodwill and purpose in a long while. Dearest Purazon, freshly exhausted from the cooking contest, amongst all his usual duties and as ever helping those new to the lands, is now putting his enthusiasm and dedication to this new exciting purpose. I wish I knew where he got the energy from. He burns with an inner light. When he supports something it is wholeheartedly and for no selfish purpose.

And Sorynn - desperately nervous - the poor thing looked as though she may be sick with nerves! Yet when the moment came, she rose and spoke with such solemnity, such conviction! A joy to watch!

And most wonderful of all, dear Topaz! My heart leaped to see her and my body bears the bruises from her crushing hug! How I missed her - Although I knew I felt great grief, I had no idea how much I had missed her presence until I saw her again. We only got the chance to exchange a few words, a brief note or two - yet such sweet words: Words of a true friend. Exchanges of secret thoughts and ideas that only true friends can exchange.

And to see Doyle - that great cleric - one of the first who helped me when I first came with the caravan to this land. Such dignity and calm and such wonderful words! The large crowd was visibly moved by the prayers that were said to open the festivities and justly so for they were passionate and beautiful and, I believe, paid true homage to Sunrifter. Though my time there was brief, I was filled with a great peace and can truly say I felt the warmth of Sunrifter flowing in me. The festival is full of great promise with parties and games and competitions. Knight Azure, whom I have come to love as a dear friend, is trying to persuade me to enter. She spoke of my drawing but I could not possibly enter anything like that! My skills are so poor and not worthy to enter something in Sunrifter’s name! I am working hard on something - but that will be for that dearest one’s eyes only - and perhaps not even them. So she presses me to enter words instead - but my words feel so clumsy and never flow as I wish them too. No - I think best left to those far more skilled and talented than I! The gods have blessed me with my ‘talent’ - tp heal all those that need it and to help all those that need it. I am content.

Then, another joy, Cilvara has returned to the lands and most welcome her face was. I gifted her some small items. She has returned humbly and quietly and is starting her training all over again. I will pray for her indeed.

The only cloud on this glorious day was to hear from Skyls. Not that hearing from my dear friend is a trial in any way - but his words were troubling. I rushed to Virgil to find the young one in his care. Never have I seen such…pain. Such broken-ness of body and spirit. Pain etched in every feature. Her unconsciousness was a relief. Skyls looked white and worried as I have never seen him. He explained quietly that he must now try and pull her leg to the correct pace for Virgil’s healing. At his bidding I held her as best I could and kept the scabbard between her teeth to bite down upon. In the end, all was achieved and I left them there quietly. The very best thing for her. A sobering moment indeed and it will stay in my memory a long time. She is in good hands though and gods willing the body will heal - she may need help with the soul however….

May 25, 2007

I wrote a rather foolish poem about the cooking contest and posted it within our guild for them to see: It was meant in fun and to celebrate the good feeling that seemed to surround it - I do hope dear Purazon did not take any offence. I certainly did not mean to undermine the seriousness of that wonderful event in any way.

I have written two poems to my dearest friend of late. Each time is hesitant - I am no scholar and have not been greatly book learned. That was not a suitable occupation for a girl’s time in the land of my birth. They were far better suited to train as consorts. The ‘right sort’ of accessory. To look well and not sound too ignorant. To know just enough of history and the surrounding areas to be able to take part in conversation, without knowing enough to make a nuisance of themselves. To stand and speak well. Of course, should events occur that meant your suitability was swept away, you are left with nothing to recommend you. But ONLY if you are left in that place you have become unsuitable for.

That is why I feel so passionately about my home. This beautiful, marvellous, hellish, dangerous, loving land I am proud to call home. People come here for so many reasons. To seek fame and glory, to find love, to fight, to escape. Once in this land, all are equal. Of course some rise above to lead the land and inspire newcomers. They become hugely knowledgeable and have great strength. But even the youngest initiate has their part to play: Can wield a weapon: Can make a friend: Can console or comfort someone in need: Can defend someone: Can serve their Queen.

The only thing that stops someone in this land from doing something is themselves. Not politics, in-fighting, family feuds, poverty, marriage contracts; just themselves.

So - I wonder then why I choose now to start to read - everything I can get my hands on. Journals, the RoK library, tales of great deeds. And why I have started to write. I know why I started this journal - when no-one listens to you, you must seek an audience where you may find it - even if it is only your own eyes. And I have found it comforting to do so. It is easier to look at yourself and a situation in retrospect. I think it helps guide you for the future and see where mistakes were made.

As for poetry - I think because of dear Topaz. Her skilled words are inspiring, sometimes challenging, always a delight. Mine will never be so, but I always sensed her joy at writing. So although I might not think much of the words I have committed to parchment, they are surely a part of me and have something to say. And the words I have sent to that dearest one have been heart felt, every single one.